In Sickness

1989 . When mum passed away I had a break-down. Her death was not the cause. I can’t explain how I felt then. But it was the terrible fear of death. It was very real and acute fear. My breathing would become heavy, my heart felt contrite, I became weak. All I could do was cry. The attack would come without warning, at anytime. It intensified when I heard the azan. I had to see the doctor every week and was on tranquilizers. It lasted for seven months. I even marked the calendar every 40 days to wait for my death. Imagine, when I was traveling in a car, a lorry came from the opposite direction, I would tell myself ‘this is it!’. I would close my eyes awaiting the bang. When nothing happened the fear lingered on for 2-3 excruciating minutes.

One Fine Day I met someone. She noticed my condition and invited me to her place. Two weeks later she came to see me and insisted that I follow her. I did. I met her friends and Guru who asked me to do zikrullah . To always think of Allah. After a few months I was slowly back to normal. I was with the group learning, bersolat, berzikir, bersuluk for two years. Since my father in law came to stay I seldom can free myself to go. As a ‘punishment’ I was banned from attending any activities until I was ready to commit myself. He passed away after three months. And I stopped seeing my friends. While it lasts I had some strange yet beautiful experiences. (To share ab this later.)